S04E04 Transcript: Lauren Mahon on Life After Trauma

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Gemma Styles [00:00:02] Hello, I'm Gemma and welcome to another episode of Good Influence. This is the podcast where I welcome our guests to discuss their experiences, answer your questions and teach us something new. Before I continue a heads up that we will be discussing cancer in this episode. So do take care if that's a difficult subject for you. You'll find some links to support resources in the show notes. This week we're talking about life after trauma, separating yourself from your circumstances, creating boundaries with others, and trusting the process of recovery. So joining me this week is Lauren Mahon. Lauren is a campaigner, podcaster and broadcaster. She founded the platform Girl versus Cancer after her own breast cancer diagnosis. And since her recovery, she's continued to raise funding and awareness for the cancer community, as well as lending her voice to other issues affecting women on mental health.

Lauren Mahon [00:01:00] I'll be completely honest, I just felt that no one gave a shit about me unless it was cancer. I just thought I'm cancer person, so unless I talk about cancer, no one's going to care.

Gemma Styles [00:01:12] So for those who don't know already, could you give us just a little bit of a backstory as to how Girl versus Cancer came to be?

Lauren Mahon [00:01:22] Well, back when I was 31, 38 this year for context. I've got a little bit of cancer. I found a lump in my breast by accident, and it turned out it was a in ductal situ carcinoma. I could never remember the right name. But yeah, I got breast cancer really young and I really couldn't find people, young people talking about it. And I really needed to see young people who were going through cancer and getting out the other side because, you know, is that classic saying you can't be what you can't see. And I was also really fed up of this perception of what cancer was. It was only when I started going through it, I was like, Oh my God, like, we've been scaremongering to hell. So I decided to talk about my cancer experience on Instagram, which was a really natural thing for me to do. I've worked in social media for years, you know, I've I've done influencer marketing for years and it all just kind of came together to, like, make this the easiest way for me to communicate. So I just started using the hashtag Girl versus Cancer on Instagram to share the cancer part of my life. I found a whole community of people I didn't realise were there. This is going back like six years ago, so it's not what it was now. You know, the Instagram community from Cancer, it was a lot smaller and new and then it needed I wanted to share more stories other people's, because my cancer experience isn't everyone's and I've never thought that it was. And I wanted to be able to like, shine a light and let people share their experiences to better the experience of others. So I made my blog that I had then, which was like my fashion and lifestyle blog. Then all became about cancer. Very sexy topic. And so, yeah, I created the blog and as and from that, like we create T-shirts and raise money for charities. We've done loads of awareness campaigns, collaborate with big brands, and it's taken me to get to the point. It's now six years since my cancer diagnosis, six years almost since Girl versus Cancer came to be, and last year we got charity status because finally I realised, yeah, it's amazing, right? Like you've been part of this journey from quite early on, like been involved in the shoots and stuff and yeah, I think I just was for so long I didn't want to duplicate what other people were doing in space. I just thought, People are doing this. Wow, what is the role of us? Supply is and I'm so glad that I did it this way round. I figured it out and then got the charity status because now I'm very clear on on what I want it to be. So that's kind of where it came from. And then alongside whilst I was working on Girl versus Cancer, I also was part of the podcast you, me and the Big C alongside Rachael Bland and Deborah James on five Live. So that's kind of probably where most people would know me from. And yeah, that was started really early coming out of my cancer active treatment. We started recording in early 2018 and I'd finish my cancer treatment in late 2017, right? So we've been recording that for five years and that again, is very similar to the Girl versus cancer stuff in that, you know, we, we just talk about cancer like it's EastEnders and try and normalise it, get rid of stigma so we can better support people, get people diagnosed earlier. Yeah. And it's, it's, it's done great things. I'm very, very proud of it. So that's kind of me in a nutshell.

Gemma Styles [00:04:35] Yeah. I mean, you should be incredibly proud of it. I think it's definitely, I mean, the amount of people you must have reached, even just with the, with the podcast by that point is immense. It's such a such a massive platform. And I think it must have been something that was so needed because of the reaction that you've had when you sort of mentioned that the cancer community on social media, you've seen like a quite a big difference over the past of six years. What does that kind of look like and do you think that is that kind of part of what's happened to social media in general in terms of where maybe. Trending towards being a bit more open with the less sort of glamorous parts of life, Or do you think that has been its own its own difference within that community? I think it's a.

Lauren Mahon [00:05:21] Bit of both. So I think, you know, where what it did is it shone a light on where there was deficit and support for communities. And it's not just cancer, it's every single kind of community you can think of. So for those going through cancer, like especially young people, like in social media, is a natural place to go and find people like you, people that you follow the same interests, you know, things you want to see. And now, even on six, it was a whole cancer situation happening. And it's about talking about cancer in different ways is more relatable to people like you. So I think in one respect, yes, it's been a part of the trend of cancer being part of this more open dialogue on Instagram and, you know, not having to be this carefully curated, wonderful place like it was when I first started working in it for brands. But then also I do feel like it's kind of, you know, a role in is it a role in some government kind of thing. So once you see people doing it and you see that their support, there is also help people to find their voice. And then there's also a lot of people that are anonymously going through cancer that can be part of this community and watch it and find out more without having to be vocally out there. Yeah, I think it's done some amazing things and I'm so glad it exists and that we have that community. But I do think there are some big downsides to it that worry me as well. Mm. You know, when like Debs, Rachel and I started talking about all kinds of experience online, it was literally because we didn't know what else to do in terms of, you know, we wanted to change a dialogue. For me personally, where I was already like a blogger and I was like a very low key blogger. Blogging now is such a different ball game. I was one of those guys jam at Somerset House, walking down the cobbles like Someone, please take my picture with my editor. I was one of them, like Lookbook new and like taking pictures on my BlackBerry phone. It was not show my age, but you know, so for me it was like if I didn't, it was either I hide away from the world and then people would be like, What's going on with Lauren?

Gemma Styles [00:07:19] Yeah, or.

Lauren Mahon [00:07:20] I just owned it. We never ever all our goal was is that we wanted to help other people. We wanted to support others who might find themselves in our position. I think what's happened now, and I still think it's a great place for support, but what scares me is, you know, my my Instagram account has always been mine. And then I separate out the cancer stuff. Yeah. What worries me now is there's a lot of people who get a cancer diagnosis and they go straight onto Instagram and credit hand with cancer in it and automatically they are cancer person, the cancer face. Now, I think, you know, it's great and it's admirable. It means you can certainly join a community. It means you can interlink eyes on you to help other people. However, I don't think people think about the long term impacts of that. And what I definitely found was in my recovery process over the last five years is that it's actually really damaging to yourself when you start posting about just normal life things and stuff and you find that you don't get the same engagement or the same response. And you know, in a world where your use of posted and just like sharing things, whether you mean for it to or not, it does become this form of validation. So it almost kind of for me what I've been seeing and what I felt personally, it might not be the same for everybody, especially for those going through a stage four cancer diagnosis. Right. It's still very much that lived reality. I appreciate so very different thing. I do feel like what you can do almost is tether you to the trauma and not if you're not talking about cancer. People don't care and it's kind of this validation thing. So you actually see people kind of. You know, giving so much of themselves over. And I sometimes worry. I'm like, Oh, God, like what you were retaining for yourself are you find balance. And that's been something I really struggled with and I've now learnt what I need to do. So I'm just quite conscious of that in the cancer community. The minute I kind of want to create a space for people to be able to come and share their stories without it being a defining thing, yeah, I can leave it behind and just get on with their life out of cancer, you know what I mean?

Gemma Styles [00:09:23] Yeah, I really do know what you mean. I think. I mean, that sounds to me like obviously that's something that's come through your personal experience. Like that's something you've struggled with and you kind of, you know, want to make a space so that other people don't have to do that. It's probably quite unusual. You know, most cancer patients don't end up with with it being such a big part of their kind of professional career as well as personal life. Has that been. What's kind of really crystallised that sort of issue for you in terms of being really tethered to something obviously traumatic that you've been through.

Lauren Mahon [00:10:06] Yes, definitely. I mean, I never started talking about this thing become my full time job in the world. But like, yeah, you know what I'm going to do? I want to talk about that thing that nearly killed me. And I talk about it every day and I want to, like, be around people that I'm going to lose to the disease and all that. Like, it was never the plan. But I think when you find a purpose and a reason in life and and what's crazy about it is every single skill set that I know I'm good at. I came. Into power for this amazing cause. So it's almost like, I don't know, like, I didn't have a choice, but I. I was like, What? Someone has got to do it right? And we always say, Someone's got to do it. Why don't you? And if I'm good at it, why would I step back if I'm making a difference? Why? But a step back. But it is. It is a very crazy thing to have your career tethered to a trauma. But what I'm trying to do now is almost look at, okay, so what has made me get to this point in my career with the cancer stuff and actually the skill sets are still the same. Yeah. And they transferable skills. So now I'm just looking at how I can transfer those skills to things that really lock me up in other ways that I probably feel a bit more frivolous and a bit more lights and a bit more fun. So I've got like the advocacy work. I go one side, but then I can still be laser. Yeah, on the other. That doesn't even think about cancer that can just go off and live her life because I know what a privilege that is to be in that position. Yeah, see, yeah, I think, you know, there probably is a lot of the reason why I look and I think all good about the separation of cancer self just to yourself is probably because of the process I've had to go through and is. It's an admirable thing but it's also quite heavy. Yeah. And it needs to be managed. I think people need to bear that in mind when I set off into this.

Gemma Styles [00:12:01] Is it something you've been. Thinking about for a long time. Was it one of those things where you suddenly one day thought, this is too much I need to separate? Or did it kind of build for you? Because I feel like the closer to the beginning is one of these. It's like the hindsight's 2020 thing, right? So like now you can look back and think, Oh, well, you know, I'm glad I kept. But. Sara But actually I'm quite surprised by how tangled these things got. Is it something that kind of crept up on you? Like, how did you. How did you manage to get that sort of perspective on it and realise that you may be wanted or needed to move slightly further away from from cancer as a topic?

Lauren Mahon [00:12:44] To be honest, I've probably all I've known for years actually, because I think for me it really started when Rachel died in 2018. So we started the podcast in early 2018. So I think we're coming up to like almost a year to the day where we actually got into the studio. I think it was the 15th of February and then we launched on International Women's Day. So it's really soon that it's five years. And so Rachel had such a massive impact on my life, but she died really early into the experience of the podcast. Like we started recording in Fathom. She died in September, and I think that was around the time where I was a bit like, this is a lot because at that time all I was doing was going into my like back to my old job part time. And then I was doing Girl versus Cancer on the side and trying to like build up. So I was still earning money but then also really pushing my passions, the thing that really likes up and helping other people and, you know, growing that community at the side. And it was when Rachel died, I think it was very triggering and I found it very difficult to manage. Obviously, having just come out of cancer, experience myself very early stage of still on meds and stuff and getting injections around, Then I was like, this is too much, I need a space out. But I think what it is as well, like my I'm so early out of a recovery, I'm like my mental state wasn't clear. I was quite manic. My way of coping with emotional trauma has always been to do, and it's only from going through therapy over the last few years. I see that now. So bad things would happen in the community, there would be losses, something challenging would happen. I'd rather than stepping back and going slow and dealing with it, I would throw myself right 100 miles an hour, turn the speed up on that treadmill, and just I wasn't explaining. It was like distraction, but it brought me out and it was almost like I was scared to stop it because it would just be a wave of everything that happened. Do you know what I mean? So it's been years of me fighting against that. And then what happened in the end of 2020? One was I had what I now know and I'll be very open. I trust this face with you, but I now know it'd be a psychotic episode out of it. A proper breakdown. Breakdown. Mental breakdown. Oh, my gosh. Yes. So I just was not well at all. Like, I wasn't sleeping. I was vibrating. I've always been someone who has had severe anxiety, depression like swings my whole life, even before cancer. But there was just another layer to this. And it was it was manic and it was you know, there was nothing behind the eyes. A lot of my friends very concerned about me. I'm sure if you followed me on social media and you see my stories and stuff, like during the pandemic time and especially 2021, you probably looked at me talking and I was just like, there was nothing there and it just peaked and it was always going to happen. And yeah, I just became incredibly unwell and I'd had medication in my drawer for about four months because it was I knew that I was doing everything right, I was exercising, I was, you know, eating right. I was making sure I had like sleep routines. I was doing all the things I tell you to do and stopped drinking everything and nothing, nothing made it better. And so I'd gone to get these meds but didn't want to take them because the still, even though I am so pro medication, I still carry this internal stigma. Yeah, it's crazy, right?

Gemma Styles [00:16:21] So common as well.

Lauren Mahon [00:16:23] Yeah, I just did. I just thought, I can do this on my own because we're sold this idea of wellness and mental wellness that we can make ourselves well. And it is a consumer targeted bullshit thing. It really is. You can't know if you are mentally unwell. You cannot have a bubble bath. I'm going to fix your yoga is not going to fix your even to some extent, therapy isn't going to fix you. I've been having therapy my whole life. Didn't stop it. So it was that moment of crashing and being on the phone to my mom and my mom just been like, whoa, like having a full on breakdown. And she's like, You need to get that medicine mortgagor. I want you to take it and I want you to come home. And that is what happened. And that has been the big change, I'll be honest in me separating out because it's given me space in my mind to actually see things for what they are. I live in a space of trauma. I make decisions off the back of trauma. So it was a start of last year. I went away to Mexico with my friends and I really took some time out to like write, readdress what's going on. And it was just things like my my live in situation and just, oh, kind of realise I probably did want to live alone and I needed space when I'm doing all this work. So yeah, breathe. I didn't realise I needed that because I'm an extrovert, but apparently when you're an extrovert you need a long time to recharge. And I knew that in terms of work, I'd been talking about raising funds for Go verse cancer to make sure I could get a team. So I'm not in the mix of it all the time. I talked about the podcast with Deborah and the team all 2021 saying, I don't feel like I'm relevant anymore. It's a lot to keep doing this every week, talking about my experience. Should I have my chair over to someone else every other week? And those discussions were already happening. So when I came back to England after Mexico, it was this big. Last year for me was a massive transformational year in the best and worst ways. Yeah. So like, you know, I was in a much calmer place. I did take my foot off the gas. I stopped again and I just focussed on what was around me. I moved in on my own. It's very fortunate to be able to do that because I'm running from a friend and anyone who rents a London knows it is a nightmare. So luckily I have a home I managed because I have my new home and I've got a little garden, I've got my dog. So that's been a grounding experience.

Gemma Styles [00:18:43] And a.

Lauren Mahon [00:18:44] Little reminder that's been a really grounded experience. And then obviously, you know, people would have heard about the death of Dame Deborah James. It was all over the news in the summer of last year. Obviously, that was one of my closest friends and colleagues. And when Deb died, that was the moment where I went, I'm done. Yeah. So I just thought I'm not really did feel like a chapter closing because, Deb, that podcast has been the soundtrack to my cancer recovery for the last five years. And what I realised this year is I no longer feel like someone recovering from cancer. I actually feel like Lauren and the more I'm doing in that space, the more I'm staying in that zone and I've moved past it. And what a privilege to have been able to do that.

Gemma Styles [00:19:33] I mean, yeah, absolutely.

Lauren Mahon [00:19:36] So yeah, it was I know that was a question and it was a long winded answer, but that is a it's a process, you know? I mean, babe, it's not like, oh, something just clicks. It's been a really long time. And I do feel like coming into this year I'm a lot clearer on, okay, so the kind of stuff needs to be over here and Lauren is over here and I'm actually. Really excited to kind of go back to 31 year old laws, be like, Right. What do I want to do? Yeah, what do I want to try out? Like, I've got the skills and I've got this platform and and I've got all these like I'm a 38 year old woman now. Like, what do I want to do? So I'm just kind of enjoying and figuring that out, really. Outside of cancer. And, you know, I'll always be an advocate for cancer. It's always going to be something that I do in my life. It's my purpose. But that doesn't mean it has to be all that I do and all that I am.

Gemma Styles [00:20:24] Yeah, absolutely. I mean, that kind of.

Lauren Mahon [00:20:26] Said.

Gemma Styles [00:20:26] Yeah, really exciting. I'm happy for you. I think it's thanks. As you say, such like, there are so many people who don't get the chance to move past the diagnosis like that. But for people who do, it's kind of. It's like at the beginning why you started the platform because you couldn't couldn't see people like you. It's kind of. Yeah. Then having to figure out how you do actually move forward from it. I mean, we kind of I was going to ask you how. You try and balance that as somebody who does still do a lot of advocacy work and the charity work that you do. You mentioned very briefly just while we were setting up this call about the kind of like boundaries that you're trying to keep in work in order to make that happen. Could you tell us a bit about that?

Lauren Mahon [00:21:13] I think for me now, it's like the kind of advocacy work has to be about bettering the experience for others and not my personal trauma. Like, you know, I've been I've done a thousand podcasts and I've got a thousand views and people always ask the same questions about the cancer experience. What did it feel like? What was that moment? Could you take us through the process? And I'm like, You're wasting me because I've got so much more to give to you. That story has been told a thousand times, and all it does is bring me back to that moment. So it's been able to say with confidence, but I'm coming on to things like we don't need to go through the whole process of me being diagnosed with cancer. It's been spoken about already and actually go, okay, maybe people will benefit more from the learnings of the past five years and advice on, you know, dealing with cancer or advice on how to help a friend with cancer or like mindset stuff. It's me being able to be really clear in myself and go, okay, what does cancer look like for me and what am I not doing anymore? And that's why I love I'm so happy I'm on this podcast. I love your part anyway, but like you've been able to come on here and I did another podcast recently where some of us I've never heard you talk about things like that. I'm like, Because you let me just talk like Lauren, you know, asking me constant cancer questions. Yeah, it's a thing that I have to really boundary myself with cause I'm a very much a yes go. And all I want to do is help others. But I think I've been really good. I've got a new management team, as you know, and.

Gemma Styles [00:22:44] Yeah, well.

Lauren Mahon [00:22:45] We've lost a buddy. Yeah. So yeah, they've been incredible in terms of like kind of ring fence me and going, okay, this is the wrong world. You in terms of cancer, this is the work that she's not going to do in terms of cancer. And, you know, when people are coming in to talk to me about different things, they're amazing at saying, well, yeah, you know, Lauren's had cancer, but have you thought about asking her about this and about this? Because she's got a lot of things that Lauren can lend her voice to. Yeah, and that's really nice because I'm starting to see that shift now. So it feels like even as I'm talking to you, like I'm smiling because it feels like I could feel my chest is like warm and my heart's happy because, you know, I'm always going to be there for the cancer stuff. But now it's like, like having the balance, putting the boundaries in place is given space to so much more that I can do to support other people. And just like I just want to create in life and just put things out in the world and connect and yeah, it just gives so much more space for that. It's lovely, but it has to be boundaries and they're not easy to say This is having a really good support group around you that allow that. And I think actually having the confidence to find your voice boundary as well, be really clear and don't sway from it.

Gemma Styles [00:23:53] Yeah, that's what was going to be my next question. Actually, having you talk about that is kind of how do you because that must have been quite a big change professionally, obviously, and changing a little bit of what you were talking about. Like how did you kind of like find the confidence, I guess, to implement those boundaries and sort of. Because that must have been quite challenging. I imagine the first time you had to be like, Do you know what? I kind of don't want to go through that whole story anymore. Like, how did you manage to get to that place? Because I think the whole like the moving on. After kind of a traumatic experience. It's obviously such a personal thing, but the element of it where it is, other people kind of trying to take you back to even when you're trying to move on from it. Like putting obviously the boundaries must be so important. But did you did you always feel quite sort of confident in saying like, no, I don't want to talk about that? Or was that something you had to build up to?

Lauren Mahon [00:24:48] No, because I'll be completely honest now. I just felt like no one gave a shit about me unless it was cancer. I just for I'm cancer person. So unless I talk about cancer, no one's going to care. And then I had to do a lot of healing. Go well if I don't care about you, about cancer. So what? Like you've got a life to live. You can't just keep, you know, wheeling yourself out with this open wound all the time. It will never heal. And it was. Deb dying was the thing that made me go enough, like, you know, losing. Imagine, you know, not going through the cancer experience and the whole experience and losing someone as important to you, like Deborah in the public eye, all these different things that is hard enough to do on its own without the whole five year background. Yeah, Tibet. I think Deb's death. She used to always say to me, like, I don't know how you do it. If I was cancer free, I'd run for the hills. I wouldn't talk about it again. And I was like, Now I get that. But I just feel like there's a way that I do it that is making a difference. I want to continue that. Yeah, but it I never had the balance. And when Deb died, I think it was this permission. It was this moment, you know, Deb said it on the podcast, she said. I felt I was moving forward and I'm really happy for her. Like, I'm proud of her that she's doing that. And I just that sits in my head because it was almost like her permission to go, You don't have to keep doing this. Yeah. Because when Rachel died, Deb and I both didn't want to do the podcast anymore, which is crazy because we were like, How do we do about Rachel? But she told us we needed to do it. We need to do this conversation. I'm so glad she did. But, you know, I. It feels like. It was easy to create a boundary because it was the ending of something. Yeah, so the ending of the podcast and I think the moment for me, I was really happy to like do certain bits of press around Deb's death and stuff because I wanted to get the bulb fanned out there and I know what she wanted us to do. She was really clear about that. But there was a lot of things I said no to because it felt very grief. BAITY And it felt very clickbait. And it's like, is this going to benefit, Deb, the family, the fund, in any way, or is this just to get clicks? And it's like, well, then I'm not doing it. And then as we move even further away from like Deb's death, you know, there have been a over Christmas where people interview me about stuff that I'm doing. But then a lot of the questions that they sent through were all about Deborah. I'm like, I'm not doing this. Like, this isn't fair. If you want to interview me about Deborah, I will do an interview with you about Deborah. But your it's very painful what you're doing. Mm hmm. So that kind of where I had like, that emotional clarity because of the medication and all the healing and it was all I'm able to go now. I'm not doing that. Like, that's too much. I haven't processed it myself. I'm not ready to talk about it. And then there was a podcast recorded before Christmas, and I remember I was really looking forward to recorded it. I'm not gonna name who it is because I love them, but I went in and I thought it was really funny. Conversation obviously would be cancer in it because it always is. But I was really excited and literally it was just the same questions. What did it feel like? What was this like? And I just felt like a robot and it just was all coming out was I'm I'm not doing this anymore. And I left. And I said to my manager, Jamie, who's the best? I'm never doing a podcast like that again, but we need to make sure that's not what these podcasts are moving forward. And now if people don't want to hear from me anymore, we're talking about cancer again. I don't mind. I've got a lot going on in my world and I'm I'm excited for my future and I'm not going to be held to that, Joe. I mean, that's how the boundaries have come about. It's. It's been one little seed of going, Hmm, I didn't want to do this anymore. And now it's grown into this whole wooden fence where it's like, you want a pass kind of style. You can accomplish this boundary. I have said.

Gemma Styles [00:28:36] Well, I mean, I'm really God for you. So. So, like, I mean, you absolutely deserve to be able to move on in whichever way you see fit, quite frankly. But I think it's also such a valuable conversation in itself. And I'm grateful that you've come on to talk about it, because I think it's whether or not it is a cancer experience that will be so many people will be able to relate to kind of having had a traumatic experience happen to them or have, you know, gone through a diagnosis or that lots and lots of different things that could apply to that kind of. Finding your identity again after that, I think, is something that so many people will be able to relate to. So I think even you talking about this, obviously we've mentioned cancer because it's relevant to this conversation. Yeah, absolutely. I think this in and of itself will be something that's really helpful to people. So thank you for talking to us.

Lauren Mahon [00:29:26] No, absolutely and helpful to me as well, because, you know, I always feel like talking is catharsis. I mean, so I do I do that. It's it's really nice because it makes me realise how far I've come as well. And, you know, it's actually not namedrop. You haven't got get like a dustpan and brush like the names there. But it was actually Katie Pye put me in a really good conversation once and she made such a difference to me because she said to me, you know, she went, You're trying to show that there is a life within be on the disease, but you're still not showing there's life with and on the disease, just don't doing it. She went, If you want to show that, you have to move forward because the thing is, even if you are living with a stage four cancer diagnosis, you're not a cancer patient. 24 seven You know, you still have your bits of your life. And I think, you know, that's what Deb was always an advocate for. That's what I'm an advocate for. And I look at Katie as a bit of a role model in that respect, is I don't look at Katie and think, oh, acid burns, domestic violence, and she has her own charity shows up. She's a loose woman, she's an author, she's a Pantene ambassador for her gorgeous hair. She's like, she is her own person. And that has type it taken a lot for her to get there in a lot of boundary settings. So when I look at people like you, I know it's possible to move beyond and it gives me the energy to like keep going. Are you doing the right thing?

Gemma Styles [00:30:51] Every week my guest and I will be answering your questions. On the first one comes in from Sarah, who says, How were you able to create and hold space for yourself during the time that you were on, while while you were creating and managing charity work?

Lauren Mahon [00:31:05] It was difficult, but I think what I always managed to do was prioritise what I knew would give me space and joy. So for me it was really around my family and I appreciate not everyone situation is like that, but I would whenever I felt overwhelm or like I just needed lost time, it would always be I'd go to my sister and play with the children and hang out with the kids. Because when you're with kids, you can't think of anything else other than them. They're just such a light and like going for walks and like very it was very pandemic of me way back in 2016 and it happened. But walks. I just found out when I have friends come and visit me and stuff rather than being stuck at home. Even if I was feeling weak, I was like, Can we just go for a walk around the park? Even if it was slow, If we just sat on a bench, it was like going outside, outside of those four walls and just doing the little things that I know would make me happier, make me capable. You know, there was a couple of things my friends had, like big birthdays and stuff while I was sick. And, you know, one of them was to go to, like, this farmhouse in the Cotswolds. What? I won't be aware. Familiar with them. Everyone goes to and shared like it was a big fat yes. And we'd rent it out the cottages and stuff. And I was really quite sick. I'd started my second chemo drug, but I was. I really want to go. I can't. It would be worse. My mental health.

Gemma Styles [00:32:37] Yeah.

Lauren Mahon [00:32:37] If I'm not there. So we just found a way around it. We made sure we knew the hospital was. We made sure we knew that the premises knew that I was poorly. The girls came and picked me up when I was tired. That took me back to my room. They checked in on me like we made it work. And I think, you know, creating space to be myself was so important rather than just hiding away from the world. But for me, it was always the basics. It always comes down to getting outside and being with people that I love and that make me feel safe.

Gemma Styles [00:33:08] Yeah, I mean that to me as well. It kind of sounds like as much as we're talking about like creating space for yourself, that to me, sounds kind of about asking for space as well and kind of not. I think I think there's a lot of people and I think I would probably struggle not to kind of be like, Oh, well, I can't. I feel like I can't do that and I don't want to. I don't want to kind of just disrupt anything sort of thing. It would be like, well, I'll just I'll just be on my own and not have to put it on anyone. And actually, like, as you say, the way that you could kind of make space for yourself is by saying, I want to do this, but actually these are the things that I need in order to be able to do that. And like, it's it's so nice that your friends would, you know, straight on board and be able to be like, yeah, absolutely. That's fine. Like, these are the accommodations that you need, let's do it kind of thing. I think that's really nice message.

Lauren Mahon [00:33:59] Yeah, sometimes it's doable, sometimes it's not. But like but also as well is having those boundaries. Like, honestly, when you get diagnosed with cancer, you never get asked out for coffee as much as you ever would in your life. And it's never the people that you're mates with because you might see your mates in there. There is people that pop out of the woodwork on Facebook that you haven't seen since school going, Oh my God, can we go for coffee? So grief grab. So I think as well, like, you know, no one's entitled to a piece of you. Like when if you need to create space and stuff like don't fill up your days with people because all of a sudden you're the most popular person ever and everyone wants to see you like, just like you would with advice to anyone in life. Anyway, Just focus on the people that matter and are close to you and that are safe and give energy back to you. That's the people, just everyone else. You don't because they say you can go for coffee, just say yes. So no, sorry, I'm not feeling up to it. Yeah.

Gemma Styles [00:34:50] That was totally my response.

Lauren Mahon [00:34:53] I want to see you.

Gemma Styles [00:34:54] Sorry, sorry, sorry to everyone. Cold shower and I'm sorry.

Lauren Mahon [00:34:58] Every cold shower. There was just someone at my school. Cool. Sharon.

Gemma Styles [00:35:04] So. Right. Okay. Okay. Slightly different question from Emily, who says, My mum had cancer in the past and she's always been really open to me about it. I have, however, always felt like I couldn't be totally honest with her regarding my feelings. I was always wondering if it was selfish of me to burden her with my worries about her cancer, for example. What if it comes back? What if I inherited it? So essentially my question is what's the most sensible thing to do? Express my worries or keep them to me to not unnecessarily have her deal with more than she has to?

Lauren Mahon [00:35:40] That's a really great question, and I think it's a really fair thing. As someone I'm going to come from the perspective here, as the person who's had cancer and obviously with my family, I think every single thing you're feeling is valid and everything you're worrying about is valid. Do I think your mum is the person best placed to answer those things? No, because if your saying to one whatever it comes back, trust me when I say your mum is probably worrying about that all the time. You do is someone who has cancer. So for you to say that is going to like kneejerk her back into that emotion, I think the best thing you can maybe do is if you know who are doctors or oncologists or if you could speak to someone who works in that field, if you're worried about it being genetic and hereditary. Again, I've got to speak to your GP. There are so many blood tests you can get done. I'm not sure what cancer your mother habe was my breast cancer and stuff. You can get the BRAC gene test. You can do all that without having to, you know, you might just mention it to Mom. Go. Look, I know that you had, like, your cancer was BRAC. Mom, you're going to get checked. Yeah, just so I know. I keep aware of it, but just, you know. You can you can go off and do that of your own accord. And I think what would be really helpful, you, darling, I don't know already doing it, but I think go and speak to someone I think a bit if there appear better talking therapy, a CBT would be really good for you because it sounds like you're carrying a lot of worry and trauma and you know, when someone gets on is with cancer, we would always use the analogy of a of a pebble or a rock, right? Drop it into water. And it's the ripple effect. So the drop happens to you. You're bang in the middle was the cancer patient. But the people who get the biggest ripple are those the closest to you, your brothers, your sisters, your mom, your dad, Like your partner? Yeah, your kids. They're the people. So they need support, too. And that's okay for you to go and get help for your experience of cancer. You never feel guilty about that. Yes. It was your mom that had the cancer, but you went through it as well. But I think it's really important that you it's probably not best for you to lean on, although it's your mom. And it's a very different dynamic now because you can always normally lean on your parents to make it better. I think in this case, go into taking care of yourself because your mom's probably been strong for you and you know, it would be nice to get to lean on each other when you're in a better headspace. So that's why I definitely think I think, you know, be practical where you can be in terms of your fear of recurrent stuff and the gene testing stuff, go to the doctors. And then in terms of your worries and and mental health, I think definitely go and get some psych psychological support and it will help you to process things and it will be things you probably would never even be able to say to your mum that you can speak freely about it would be a better option.

Gemma Styles [00:38:33] I think That's wonderful advice. Thank you so much. For our last question I will ask you is from Tamara, who says, Sometimes I feel like I'll never move on from my trauma and I'll always feel guilty about how I reacted to it and those wasted years. I get triggered really easily. Do you have any advice?

Lauren Mahon [00:38:53] Okay, First thing is, I feel I'm hearing a lot of shame and blame on yourself there. I feel like again, there is a lot of healing and. The acceptance that needs to come from. How you react to trauma. We've all done things we're not proud of, and we've all done things that we would I would have done that differently. I of course I have. Of course I have. However, you need to be able to understand that your reason for behaving the way that you did was a result of X, Y, and Z. Yeah. One thing you do have control of is whether that becomes a pattern or not. And if you know that you're triggered or you know that you have a tendency to behave in certain ways when you're triggered, again, it's really important that you go and get the support that you need. If it's PTSD, whatever it is, you need to go and see. It's a medical professional. You need to go and see psychologists for a psychiatric assessment and see what help you can get. Because, you know, I said it again, this you can't be doing this by yourself. This sounds like this is still very present in your past trauma. It sounds like you are still very much living in it and it sounds a little bit cyclical. You need to break that cycle, but it's going to take some healing and it's going to take some work. You will be free of it. Not all day, every day, but you'll be able to handle it a lot better. And I think if you don't break the cycle and patterns of behaviours and traits that come from the triggers, you have to move past the triggers themselves. So again, I just think, you know, it takes a lot to go in, ask for help, but it's really important, like the healing process you don't do alone. So yeah, I'd really, really advise, go and get some support there. But and also just be a bit kind to yourself, like. Trauma is trauma. And we all react in different ways. And like, you know, we always say hurt people, hurt people. There's all these things, but it's your responsibility to to change that. So, yeah, first of all, to be a bit kind of to yourself, what's done is done. You can't change it, can't fix it, but you can't change what happens next. So that would be my advice there.

Gemma Styles [00:41:06] Yeah, I think I agree and would definitely echo that as well. Like I'm coming at it from a different perspective, but in thinking about like the mental health history of myself personally, like think there's other so many things like when I look back at the years that I was like so depressed and the way that I dealt with it at the time and the things that I didn't do to deal with it. But now it's so easy to look back and be like, I can't believe I behaved in that way. I can't believe I didn't do that sooner. And to kind of, yeah, I get the sentiment of being like, I wasted so much time. I it's so annoying to feel like you have done, but actually also if you hadn't. Behaved in that way at the time, or like if it hadn't gone that way, you wouldn't have the perspective that you have now. So I think trying to be like, Well, yeah, I wouldn't feel like this now had I not felt like this. But then, you know, again, in very convoluted way.

Lauren Mahon [00:42:00] But also it's like it's like I was like the I love an analogy, guys bear with me, but it's like, you know, you've got an arrow and you pull it back in the bow. Yeah. I feel like when you're constantly looking back, you're held in that position, you're held in that back, the arm pulled back. And at that tense point where it's really tense and you're holding everything in, you can't move forward because you're constantly looking back. I think it's good to look back. If you can learn, by the way, you can hear the beat on this week and that is the dog's doughnut toy. He's decided to come up to join us for the Q and I. But yes, it's that thing of it's I think looking back is really good in terms of learnings and reflections and going what did I learn from that? Like and take nuggets. But I think if you live in and keep going, Oh good, that happened. That happened. That was like how long ago? Yeah, that's done. That is so far away from what's now. And if you do that, you're not giving yourself any justice in this world. You're not like living to your full potential. I think that what's done is done some work around acceptance and, you know, you know, you just said like it's not time wasted, but what is time wasted is you constantly looking back at. Joe. I mean, that's that's the time wasted. Said not what you did. The time wasted is the time you're wasting. Now worrying. Get busy just by. How do I move forward from this? I go through and I think that is that's where you'll find more control and you'll probably feel a little bit lighter from it all. Hopefully. Anyway. I hope so.

Gemma Styles [00:43:25] If you want to know about opportunities to send in questions for upcoming guests, then follow us on Instagram or Twitter at Good Influence US or you can email the podcast Good Influence pod at gmail.com. Before you go, I've got three things I ask every guest on, so could you please recommend does something to read, something to listen to and something to watch?

Lauren Mahon [00:43:46] Yes. So something to read. I had to run and get for my bookshelf from Jim, but Jim can attest to the fact that it is very well read and it's still covered in sand, but it's something that I go back to again and again. And the book's called Outrageous Openness and it's by Tosha Silver. Now, for me, as someone who's gone through trauma, sometimes you feel like there's a complete lack of control and, you know, so you spend probably a lot of your time. I know I did busying myself and trying to kind of create this world in a narrative that I knew things were going to happen because the unknown scared me so much. And I got recommended this book by Tosha Silva and outrageous openness. And it's all about trusting the divine and divine timing and the way of the world is it's basically a book about surrender. And if there's something that's bothering you or there's worries that are bothering you is how to talk about it in your head so that you are able just to give it over. To the divine. It's not, you know, you hear about manifesting, but actually this is kind of more saying, you know. Prime example last year I was, um, in an hour and about leaving my management, I knew I wasn't quite happy with the way things are going. It's a big decision. I was scared. I didn't know what to do next. And I got this little box. She told you to do it in the book. And I just wrote a little note in it, and I said something like, If it was divine, will the solution to the problem, like the solution to my worries with my agency and my future in my career will show itself for the greater good of all and at the perfect time. And I dated it and I folded it up and I put it in the box. And that was in January, and now I'm in January this year and I've moved agencies and things are going really well. I'm not saying it's not manifestation, but I think it's kind of go trusting the process is what it's about. Yeah, and it's it's kind of saying, okay, this is my worry, Oh, this is what I want to work towards. And I don't really know how that's going to happen. But actually when you just trust that you're working towards something and what is meant for you is going to happen, yeah, it makes life a lot lighter. So because I just found that I would have such a rigid view of this is what I want for my life and this is how it's going to happen and this is the way it's going to happen. And then I would force myself down paths that weren't for me only to have to do a U-turn and come back and go down. The one that I could probably should have gone down because it felt right. So this book, outrageous openness for me. I just come back to again and again and it just it just makes me feel like everything's going to be okay. Chill out. Hand over to a great a good you know, some people are just some people aren't. I'm not religious. I'm quite spiritual, but I just like, you know, well, as long as I'm living my life with integrity and intention and with kindness. Things will happen. So I absolutely recommend outrageous openness by Tosha Selva. It's a really nice read, a really, really nice read. I think it puts you in a really nice mindset.

Gemma Styles [00:46:42] Oh, lovely. That sounds like a great recommendation.

Lauren Mahon [00:46:44] Thank, babe. I will. I will order one to your home. You're so good. So good.

Gemma Styles [00:46:51] Thank you. Okay, so then we've got listening and watching life today.

Lauren Mahon [00:46:56] Listen and watching. I'm going to do listening. You mean the big C? I'm going to do the podcast because I think when we first started, you mean the big C, everybody just assumed this podcast about cancer. It's going to be all doom and gloom. And what I love about something I'm really proud of is it's evergreen in that it doesn't matter how long ago those pieces were recorded. There's some that are like treatment specific around certain new therapies, but other than that, the feelings and the emotions and the advice all stand the test of time. And I think no matter what stage you come to cancer, if you come to cancer, whether it's you, whether it's a loved one, there is something that support you and you're not alone. And I think it is just like a little bass pile in your back pocket that you can just refer to again and again. And also, if you're someone who hasn't had cancer, I think, or has been through trauma, I think there'll be a lot of things you can take from it as well. So if you haven't listened to me in the Big C on BBC five Live, please do get it. You can get it on BBC sounds and anywhere you get your podcast. But I do think it is a great resource. We actually had a listener send us a picture of a sheet of paper from coming out of her like appointments for cancer treatment and actually written on that is like a prescription was like, listen to me and a big say So yeah, what.

Gemma Styles [00:48:16] A legacy for a podcast. Now it's over to think that that's, you know, something that can be so recommended, like literature even by medical professionals for that sort of community feeling. That's amazing.

Lauren Mahon [00:48:24] Lauren Yeah. So yep, I would recommend you listen to that if you haven't yet.

Gemma Styles [00:48:28] Why have we not done I forgot.

Lauren Mahon [00:48:31] What you know or to watch. What have I really been enjoying recently? I would recommend watching. I somehow watch recently, and I absolutely love his bad sisters.

Gemma Styles [00:48:45] That's on my list to watch. I keep seeing people. Maybe it was you I thought talking about.

Lauren Mahon [00:48:50] Yeah, probably me. But Sisters is amazing. It's about a group of five sisters and a really, really horrible husband. And that's all I'm going to say on It's dark comedy, which is very much me.

Gemma Styles [00:49:03] Yeah, So.

Lauren Mahon [00:49:04] But it's brilliant, brilliantly written, and I think it's something as easy to watch that you buy into. You know, it's not that deep in terms of like, but there's some really cool takeaways. It's like family, love, relationships, everything, but it's really funny and I think it's a really good watch and I think you do enjoy it. So I'll say Bad Sisters just for that reason, because it's great.

Gemma Styles [00:49:28] Thank you for listening and thank you, Lauren, for joining me. A reminder that our links to support available in the show notes if you feel you need them after that conversation, if you enjoyed the episode, I would love you to subscribe to the podcast on whichever platform you're using. And if you're feeling generous, you can write us and leave a review as well. See you next week.