S04E02 Transcript: Olivia Purvis on Insecurity

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Gemma Styles [00:00:01] Hello, I'm Gemma and welcome to another episode of Good Influence. This is the podcast where I welcome our guests to discuss their experiences, answer your questions and teach us something new. This week we're talking about insecurity, how habitual insecurity can impact us. The role of social media and the power of vulnerability. So joining me this week is Olivia Purvis. Liv is an OG blogger, content creator and author. In 2018, she founded online platform The Insecure Girls Club, a space for women to embrace vulnerabilities and empower themselves through wearing their insecurities on their sleeves. In 2020, she published The Insecure Girls Club Handbook and continues to work these open conversations into her fashion, lifestyle and, more recently, parenting content.

Olivia Purvis [00:00:51] You're more than your insecurity as well, like you're more than a critic in your head saying you're not good enough. You are way more than you know Your thoughts.

Gemma Styles [00:01:02] We're here to talk about insecurity. Tell me about the Insecure Girls Club and how that kind of came about.

Olivia Purvis [00:01:10] Oh, my God. So the Insecure Girls Club started in 2018, which I still think was last year. Like, it started last year. It started in 2018, and it started as an Instagram page, which I had so little expectation of. I just kind of started it almost as an extension of some of the conversations I was having on my personal blog. And but I feel like because my personal blog kind of talks about fashion and travel and music and beauty and so many things already, I felt like the conversations I wanted to have that felt more vulnerable and intimate would get diluted by that. So I felt like I wanted a space, but also a space That wasn't just my perspective because obviously with insecurity, with all things umbrellas, my perspective is just that it's just my perspective and it affects people in so many different ways. And I just thought it'd be so nice to make something quite collaborative and combining the things I love, which is I love connection with people, I love filming people and almost create a space for that. And that began in 2018. I kind of launched the page and it snowballed kind of quicker than I could keep up with, which was amazing. I feel really lucky for it. And now it's a website and it's a book and I have lots of plans for it. But because it's just me at the moment, it's one of those ones that sometimes the ideas are bigger than everything. But anyway, it's a basically. Wow. Long answer short.

Gemma Styles [00:02:47] I asked and I asked a question that required a long answer. It's all good.

Olivia Purvis [00:02:50] Okay. If I've given you a one word answer, you've been like, This is going to be a very short recording, but it's a platform essentially for people to share their insecurities and vulnerabilities and wear them on their sleeves essentially, and feel like they have a platform or space to talk about the things that they might not otherwise get to share.

Gemma Styles [00:03:10] Yeah, And I mean, it is a girls club in its title. Did you find I mean, I guess if you're blogging about a lot of, you know, beauty and style and things, it would make sense that you'd have quite a female audience anyway. But did you find it felt like a very feminine experience when you were having these conversations about insecurity?

Olivia Purvis [00:03:35] Yes and no. This is a funny one because I feel like I called it the Girls Club because I guess in terms of the insecurities I'm familiar with, I felt qualified to talk about them in that sense because I've had conversations with other like other genders and people. And I think for me, I wouldn't want, although it's a space that lot like anyone can contribute to. I felt like it was a space that I felt experienced and qualified to discuss more women's insecurities than anybody else's, because I know that insecurity affects men very differently and I wouldn't want to suddenly be like, Well, but I also think it's something that, I suppose with the insecurity that women face, it is so specific. I mean, whether that's body image in the media, whether that's friendships and the way females communicate and the kind of dynamics and friendship groups, I feel like it is quite unique, even with like work and the measures of success and what that looks like to people and motherhood. I felt like calling it the School Girls Club kind of encapsulated that. But that's not to say that it's exclusive. It's like I want it to be the most inclusive platform possible. So it's not like you can't sit with us because we're insecure club But I feel like talking about those things with the things I had experience in and the people I was talking to had experience and if that makes sense.

Gemma Styles [00:05:08] Yeah, it definitely makes sense. I mean, you kind of just mentioned that. Different types of insecurity. I feel like quite often, maybe especially on social media kinds of things, when you talk about insecurity, I don't know if I'm sure it's not just my mind. You kind of instantly jump to things that are sort of physical in like appearance based insecurities, because so much of what we do in the media that we're. Looking at consuming all the time is very you know, it's photos, it's videos increasingly now that we're looking at all the time. Did you find that the the sort of. Initiation of the platform. Was that thinking more about physical insecurities? Was it more of a sort of non appearance related things, or is it always sort of been been a mashup of everything? What was resonating with people?

Olivia Purvis [00:06:04] I feel like honestly, it's always been a bit of a mash of everything, which is really interesting because I think when I started it, I felt really quite deep in the throes of comparison and the insecurities around friendships and feeling like I was behind with things. I always kind of like inverted commas say things. I'm like, What does that mean? What does it mean to be behind? Like in the timeline of what? And I guess I started it in that sense. And then the different women I spoke to would say would maybe talk about body image or different things that they felt. Insecure about. And then it became I don't know. It's funny, isn't it? Because I feel like when I started it, it was such a mix and we have so many contributions on the website and they literally can span over so many things. And although I do feel like body image and. The way we look at such a huge thing, actually, I think in terms of the website is not necessarily the overarching theme we talk about. And I don't know, I don't know whether that's sometimes because there are other spaces online that do that so brilliantly and really kind of hone in on that and have experts that are talking about it. And I feel like, I don't know, maybe this is my own insecurity because this is getting a bit better where I'm like, Oh, I don't feel qualified enough to talk about insecurity. That's especially low. Yeah, but I feel like there are so many amazing platforms doing that. I mean, it's kind of what? Comes in, I guess, and what is submitted that we share. So I feel like it is a real mixed bag. I mean, in the book we spoke to him, Nadia Craddock, who's a body image researcher. And I've had so many interesting conversations that I've kind of picked up on things that have been discussed, especially when it comes to things like Instagram and like I feel like with insecurity, comparison seems to be the overarching thing. So I'm looking and feeling insecure. So much of it is because we're looking sideways and we're not kind of applying that tunnel vision that we know we should be doing.

Gemma Styles [00:08:13] So you mentioned Instagram, though, and we've kind of mentioned social media or ideas. It seems difficult not to these days from for more than 5 minutes. But do you think that social media, even perhaps more than the mainstream media now, is fuelling our insecurity? Do you think those things always go hand in hand? Is that, you know, is social media something that people talk about on that platform a lot as a reason why they may be feel insecure in themselves?

Olivia Purvis [00:08:41] Yeah, it is. And I wish it wasn't because I feel like I really tried to be a really positive advocate for social media because I think it's got so many positive benefits. And I think if you are able to kind of curate what you see online, especially on social media, it can be a really positive place, an incredibly positive place. But I also do think that so many insecurities from the ones that seem really obvious, like me said about body image in comparison, whether that's celebrities, whether that's models, whether that's influencers, that's kind of the top line. But then I think it kind of filters through in a subtle way where you can just be on Instagram or I don't know, what are the kids using nowadays or say, Facebook? TikTok Yeah, you can see all your friends hanging on text. I don't know, but I feel like you could you could sit there and I know I've sat on Instagram in the past and be like, Oh my God, everyone's having a really great holiday because they're all out and enjoying the sun and they're having a great barbecue. And I'm not here, I'm not there. Sorry, But I chose to stay in, and even though that was best for me, I never really left out. Or if someone's got a new job, you hear about it on Instagram? Well, I think it's that kind of thing, which can certainly kind of fuel that insecurity. And that's not to say that social media's fault, because I feel like those things are perhaps things that you'd find out about a WhatsApp group. I mean, that's social media anyway, I guess. But the things you'd perhaps otherwise speak to your friends about. But I feel like it's so different in person if you're having a chat with your mate and they're like, Oh my God, I got a promotion, you're more likely to have a different response potentially if your face to face, and it can be more of a balanced discussion. Whereas I think when you're online, it seems so I guess intensified that you're kind of scrolling and it's like, Oh, that person's got a new job or that person's on holiday and that person's with all their amazing friends and that person's just got married. And then suddenly you're kind of kind of, I guess amounts to a lot more than it would do if you weren't on social media. So I do feel like there is that, and I think insecurity is so fuelled by that. But I think it's trying to put tools into practice and kind of almost support yourself a little bit when using those platforms to be able to identify when it doesn't feel good and why it's not making you feel good. And I have to really practice that still. And the things I talk about and I preach and I'm like, we should be using this better, but I know I am so bad at it, I can sell my phone. I can just be like, Oh, it's everything. I feel like you can compare everything. Like I can't even sometimes I can't even say it was so embarrassing. The things you end up comparing to that you are just like, Oh, they've already gone to the gym this morning and have nobody nice breakfast and oh God, I want milk and, and just like really silly things and that, I mean that's literally like, so petty and so fast. But I do think if you're able to kind of almost check in with yourself and be like, okay, I can acknowledge that this isn't making me feel good right now. And I think sometimes what I try to do is when I'm feeling like that or I can feel myself veering off into like a scroll hole, I kind of think, okay, what's on my to do list? What would my ideal day look like in this situation? And, you know, sometimes I might lie in bed and say, Well, last thing at night, for example, cause I feel like that's when I'm my most anxious. I might say, okay, you know, I could lay on my bed and scroll on TikTok for an hour and a half. But my dream evening in this instance would be having a shower, putting a pizza in the oven and watching When Harry Met Sally. And that's kind of like the main character evening in my head. And I think, well, they're all really achievable things I could do right now, so why don't we? That instead of doing something, that's not going to make you feel good. And I think it's trying to help do those small things to kind of take away the feelings that social media, social over social media can really enhance.

Gemma Styles [00:12:55] Yeah, definitely. And I mean, you've kind of just alluded that to things that you personally might sort of see that might make you feel insecure. And I think from following you on, obviously you have a platform about insecurities. So I feel like you're quite good at talking about insecurities on the Internet. Do you always find it easy to share about that sort of stuff online? I feel like it's quite. We're in a patch of social media now where a few years ago it was maybe a lot more curated and everything people put out and everything it seems like people wanted to see was just this really. Perfect everything. And now I think you know what? What Everybody wants to the point. Why they've even become sort of buzz word and you don't know what they mean anymore is like the authenticity and relatability. Do you think it's easy to share about insecurities online, or is that still difficult for you sometimes?

Olivia Purvis [00:13:53] I feel like it's a really funny one to tread because I feel like I'm constantly trying to work out where the balance lies for me, because obviously I have the skill. So I have my personal platform as well, where I share a lot of like nice fashion photographs and things I really love doing and while also sharing the stuff that I feel like I put a lot of work into, like the fashion shoots and the fun videos. I also really try to be really honest and authentic, and I am very open with like, things are funny, like my insecurities and what I'm going through. But I feel like it's definitely something that I'm trying to navigate because I think sometimes I think when you're in it as well, it's so hard to sometimes I think especially when you have a platform, I think a lot of guilt. If I'm not sharing what I'm going through as I'm going through it because it feels dishonest. But I've come to learn actually, you don't owe anyone the messiness, you don't know any one, everything. And if you feel that it's helpful to you to share something because you feel that's right, then you should. But I think there's no there should be nothing wrong with actually saying, you know what, things aren't great, but not even having to justify that, but just be able to go through things privately and because it's not the right time to share something or you don't ever want to share that thing. But I do think it's that real kind of tricky spot where I feel like I'm constantly grappling with this. Yeah, like just being authentic with also recognising what's healthy for me to talk about and what's comfortable. And you know, I think as well, like when I talk about some insecurities I have, I also can like look back like I was. I want this space to look back at them objectively and say, Well, I feel insecure about that, but I'm also aware that I have enormous privilege in that area, and me feeling insecure about that is valid because I think, you know, we're all entitled to feel however we feel about things and insecure. But if I'm talking about this, online is actually beneficial. Is this going to make other people feel a bit rubbish about something or draw attention, something they might not have felt insecure about or think, Well, if she feels care about that God, well, maybe I should feel like. I just think it's about trying to work out when it's useful for you and for other people. Because especially having a platform, there is a responsibility with other people as well where, you know, I'd hate for someone, me to talk about something because I felt like I was almost pushed to talking about something and then someone read it and fell rubbish about themself. I mean, I've been in that situation with people I've followed, spoken about things which they are so entitled to speak about. And, you know, no one should feel they have to be policed on talking about any insecurities, I feel because it's valid. But I remember reading something once that someone said about their body and then thinking, Oh, I love my body, but oh my God. And then suddenly it was something I was thinking about. And that surely couldn't have been very helpful for many people and I think is trying to work out where that balance lies sometimes. I don't think there's a correct answer necessarily. And like I say, if one's entitled to kind of talk about the things and I think sometimes it's so helpful sharing when you feel insecure about something because often I think in life vulnerability is met with vulnerability, which is such a special thing where if I talk about something difficult online, it will nine out of ten times with other people going through that experience and people are so willing to have a conversation about it or say, You're going to be fine or get through it, or there's light and all the things which are so special to her. But I think it's kind of sometimes just weighing up when feels right for you and knowing that being authentic doesn't always mean. Bearing all the time. You can you can exist authentically while also just saying, actually, I'm a human and I'm going through some private things. That's fine.

Gemma Styles [00:18:16] Yeah, I completely agree. I think that is a really tricky balance. And they're all all really good points. And it is. I think it's hard these days, maybe more than in the past to kind of try and tread that line and. Make sure that you're not. Make sure that you're. Sharing things. But yeah, it's a really. Really try and guess the impact that it's going to have on each individual person who receives that message, which which actually is a really, really difficult thing to do because you can always. Imagine how someone's going to react to something. And even if you can see someone reacting. Someone reacting to something you've said doesn't doesn't always mean that you don't have the right to say it. This is obviously very dependent on a contact situation. We won't get into specifics, but.

Olivia Purvis [00:19:09] Oh, 100%. Of course. But yeah, that's the thing that you can't you can't control other people's reactions, but then it's having that accountability as well, if you're going to put something online.

Gemma Styles [00:19:19] Yeah, exactly.

Olivia Purvis [00:19:20] But also knowing that, yeah, you don't, you don't have to. To be honest, online, you don't have to share everything. And it's a so tricky is so difficult. It's so nuanced, I think. And it's something that I think we've not really we're all I guess the weird thing about all of this is we're all figuring out as we go.

Gemma Styles [00:19:42] Yeah.

Olivia Purvis [00:19:43] Which is. Yes.

Gemma Styles [00:19:45] Definitely. And I mean, that's that's kind of the thing, isn't it? It's like I think it is one of those things that. Kind of in and of itself, just knowing that you're not the only person sort of going through or having the thoughts I think can be quite helpful. So that's obviously sort of a pro in the sharing about insecurities column of, of having the community and the sort of camaraderie of people who are feeling the same way. Have you kind of picked up on any other sort of common themes or lessons from the in School girls club, other any anything you've picked up about sort of actually tackling insecurities or lessons that people have shared about how they deal with insecurity?

Olivia Purvis [00:20:28] There have been so many, and I think I've had so many conversations where I've wanted to just be like, Stop, I need to hear that again, or like, I need to reread that or I need to write that down. And I actually wrote a few down because I thought otherwise I will either waffle, forget. And I think now you can hear my notebook. I just knew I'd forget things, but there are things that like, I guess kind of slip into your periphery of thought and then you refer back to without even really realising. And I think over the last few years having. Dumbly. I worked on the Inn's Kilgore's Cup for that long and been on that Instagram page and had so many conversations with different amazing people. Things just kind of subliminally just slipped into my behaviours in terms of the way I deal with things. Because there are things in the last year I think, Oh my God, I've not, I don't know when I've looked in the mirror, I've not been like, oh, I've not pulled myself apart as much, or there's just subtle things. I think my markers of success have changed and maybe that's becoming apparent in a respect where a day feels like a success. If you get to the end of it and you've had three males in your childhood females and you're both happy and tired and you've had a busy day. That to me is success now, whereas I think a few years ago I might have been like, I don't know, I had such high bars of what success looked like. The real kind of stepping stone milestones of like that is success that to success. And I think maybe it's the last two years as well. We're living in a pandemic where it kind of refocuses things and and maybe it's things like that. Maybe it's having these conversations where you actually go, hang on, there's more to take from this. But anyway, let me tell you some of the things.

Gemma Styles [00:22:20] To the notebook. To the.

Olivia Purvis [00:22:21] Notebook. So one thing I wrote down, which is something that I feel like has always kind of plagued me with insecurity, is past feelings of like embarrassment or when I've got things really wrong, or when I've said something embarrassing or when someone's said something to me I felt really embarrassed about, or mainly things when I was a teenager. And I mean, there's one instance in the book maybe this is a little bit TMI that we know Well.

Gemma Styles [00:22:54] Let's go over.

Olivia Purvis [00:22:55] We'll go there. And I remember standing on the train platform in my ex-boyfriend and I was like 15 shouted across the train, my hairy mouth. And I was just like dying. And I was like, This is awful. And for years I was like, Oh my God, that's the worst thing that ever happened to me. And I think that's just a really silly top line example. But I think it made me feel so insecure about my body, but be about being vulnerable with other people. And then also what I learned from that I think was being able to reclaim it as a grown woman and actually look back on like, that's a really silly example. But now I look back and I can say, Well, that's so ridiculous and childish. And I think it kind of applies to so many examples in life where I think when you can reclaim things and actually look back and step into them a little bit and say no or that was ridiculous, or I don't know, just I think that taking ownership of a situation and maybe it helps I have a platform in this instance or where I can write about things of kind of troubled me and or maybe where I've messed up. I think sometimes you don't have to let that follow you around all the time, because I think sometimes, like there have been things in life where I feel like I failed and rather than let that define me, I think when you can step into that and say, okay, that didn't work out, but it becomes more empowering than anything. I don't know whether that yeah, that sounds really silly, but then that Oh yeah, I spoke a lot about success markers and changing those. That really helped I think because I think a lot of people I found, especially on the inside, talk about the kind of pressures of what success looks like and particularly around turning 30 and what is expected of what people feel is expected of them and society expects of us, which is, you know, thinking about a house, maybe get married, children like those kind of things, getting promotions and I guess actually working out what is important to you and not what is important in society has been such an important thing for me because I think I've been such. As I say, such a victim of that success. The latter. And I don't think that's the right term. I feel like everything I've done has been wonderful, but I think that's always what I thought it looked like to be really happy and successful. Yeah. And I think actually reassessing that and realising that you don't need to have big milestones in life to have a really happy existence is such a freeing thing. Like you're not waiting for the next thing. And I think I kind of have been in the past, been in the habit of waiting for the next thing to be like, Okay, then I'll be, then I'll be really happy. And that's when that will happen. And I think a lot of us perhaps put a lot into that. Like you could be in a really happy relationship, but then be feeling insecure because you're not engaged or getting married. And actually that doesn't necessarily bring more happiness. It just it's what is expected. So I think that's been a lesson I've learnt as well. Going to turn the page.

Gemma Styles [00:26:11] And loving it.

Olivia Purvis [00:26:14] And another thing I wrote down, which the wording I feel like is something that I'd say, but maybe I don't know if it really translates, but it's like getting cosy with yourself and not waiting for external validation or praise and being able to be in a place where if you feel good about something, you feel proud of, something you're not waiting for someone else to say, That was really cool. That's a really good thing you did, actually. You can just say I did this thing and it was cool because I think I'm definitely someone that waits for other people to validate most things for me because I'm like, Oh no, maybe that was a bit shit. And I think I've constantly got this in a critic which is going on, and you're not qualified to do this or like, you know, you're not interesting enough or anything like that was actually sometimes it takes a lot of practice to just get to a point where you can say, Oh, no, no. Like, I'm like, I don't need ten people to compliment my dress before I know this cool dress. Or like, Yeah, I don't need someone to say that. But writing was good. If it felt good to write it, even if it wasn't good. But even if it's conceptual, isn't it? If it isn't good.

Gemma Styles [00:27:28] Yes. The thing is, and not everybody is going to have the same opinion of what's good or what's cool or what isn't anyway, because we're all those things.

Olivia Purvis [00:27:37] What is cool? Yes, literally. And back to the Notebook. And I feel like the overarching thing without reading out hundreds of different things I've learned, is that everyone feels it like everyone feels insecurity in some kind of package. And we're all a work in progress and going through it, and we're all going to experience different things at different times. And getting it wrong is okay. And you're more than your insecurity as well. Like you're more than the end. A critic in your head saying you're not good enough. You are way more than you know your thoughts and you got the shower and look in there and feel a bit rubbish that you're so much more than all those things. And I think sometimes it's like being able to separate that and also kind of torture yourself like you would your best mate. And if you wouldn't talk to your best friend like that. I know it's like the most cliche thing to say then almost being able to check in with how you're talking to yourself. And I'm I'm trying to become more mindful about how I talk to myself and, you know, when I'm having a bad day rather than go like, cause you're so stupid and just actually be not to pull things back. Like even when we're recording early and I got tongue tied and I lost my train of thought in my head, I started going. Of course I was going to happen to you live. Of course you were going to go on this really cool podcast. You wouldn't get your words out. And then I was like, No, no, no, it's fine. Like, you have something to say. Your head is cool, Just relax. And I think it's trying to just reframe things rather than like almost dial things down a little bit. Because I think when you feel insecure, anxious is almost like this middle ground. And you can either go up and like really lean into that insecurity or you have to try and go, okay, I need to like take a breath and like reassess things a little bit. And I think saying it like that with that analogy, it's almost a bit like with Arlo, who's my toddler, if he has a tantrum and he's or he's like getting really upset over something or kicking a ball or. It's so easy to sometimes want to be like, Oh, for goodness sake, come like, not, not shout, but kind of react almost equally because you're frustrated and you call perhaps manage a situation where I know the right thing to do is to kind of take a breath and kind of cool it down. And I think that's almost a bit like dealing with insecurity, why you want to kind of go, okay. And I remember seeing a tip on Tik Tok. And it was someone saying that, like when you feel like really like overstimulated or like you're going to snap to to almost whisper rather than talk because then it's like your voice would naturally, like, get louder and you have to kind of be like, I'm going to whisper. And then it kind of brings everything else down. And I was like, Oh, that's.

Gemma Styles [00:30:28] Interesting.

Olivia Purvis [00:30:29] I thought that was quite cool, if not a bit weird.

Gemma Styles [00:30:32] Yeah, I'm just I'm trying to imagine a context in which I would do that. Maybe. Maybe it might be like.

Olivia Purvis [00:30:38] A toddler because you think maybe. Yeah, I don't know. Actually, it's quite with the things the internet tries to teach you until you then question it and you're like, Hang on to my whispering. My boss is really hungry.

Gemma Styles [00:30:56] I think it is definitely a context that I can imagine it working in. Yeah, in specific situations. But equally that does make me think of did you ever have like a teacher at school who when they got angry, they wouldn't get angry and shout. They would be like, Right, oh my God. So everything is quiet. And you'd be like, Oh, we've done it now.

Olivia Purvis [00:31:14] Yeah, but that's actually quite stressful.

Gemma Styles [00:31:18] But it did make you listen to that person. So maybe if we, you know, quieting ourselves down and not shouting, we might actually listen to the message that we're trying to give ourselves.

Olivia Purvis [00:31:26] Literally just, just quietly stop whispering. I'm talking about.

Gemma Styles [00:31:35] Every week my guest and I will be answering your questions on the first one comes in from Lisa who asks with the quote, Fake it till you make it unquote mentality A needing to be confident in the workplace to be taken seriously, especially at the beginning of your career, how can you accept and work on your insecurities if most of the day is spent hiding them and acting like the most secure person in the room?

Olivia Purvis [00:31:59] I think this is a really great question, really great question, because I know that that's the kind of advice that I've been told and I've probably given, which is just like, just take it to you, make it. But I think it's about flexing the muscle of discomfort and kind of not giving yourself like a full personality overhaul way of squashing the very valid feelings of perhaps feeling out of your depth or like you're scared about things, but almost trying to approach things in a way that's pushing yourself ever so slightly, whether that's something like, I don't know, being more assertive, it doesn't necessarily mean, I guess, you know, putting your hands up in a meeting and being like, Well, I've got a great idea. Even if that feels like something you'd like to do, I guess it may be that could be something where you think, okay, I can't do that, but maybe I'll pull someone aside for a private chat before or after the meeting to try and show that I have got these great ideas and I want to get more confident. I think that's the kind of overall thing is it's becoming more comfortable flexing that muscle. But I don't know it's hard is next thing, when you say fake it to you, make it. I always imagine someone walking down an office in like stilettos in like an American movie, which is kind of looking both ways. The corporate logo was a catwalk being like, Oh, I'm amazing. And it's so easy to say that, especially when you are someone who is so like being in work situations in general. But whatever that looks like is so scary and I think is about, yeah, flexing that muscle, like knowing that you don't have to pretend to be somebody else, you don't have to face like, you know, completely change who you are and squash those insecurities. But it's about having those conversations and actually working out what it is you feel like you have to fake to become more confident. And so if that's assertiveness, if that's being listened to, if that's, I don't know, whatever that might look like, being able to identify those things and saying, okay, that's the things I'm finding hard, how can I start breaking them down? And there's a quote that someone told me, which is in the book, and it's like, the easiest way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time. And I feel like that applies to so many things. What is kind of like the best way to feel more successful might be to fake it, but what does that mean and how do you do that? And I guess that's just by showing those little steps and saying, okay, next week I'm going to contribute once in this meeting with an idea if I feel like I've got it or I'm going to. That's such a boring suggestion where I'm like, meeting, meeting, meeting.

Gemma Styles [00:34:44] But well, this is the same examples that make sense, you know, the kind of like building it up, so faking it in little chunks until it becomes real.

Olivia Purvis [00:34:53] Yeah, I think that's set. And not having like, not pushing yourself to a point where it becomes more stressful because I know that this is a very, very long time ago. But when I was in school, I was always asked questions in history lessons and. Hated it. I hate that. Hated being spoken like, asked to call up questions and I would have much rather it would be done in a way that I pushed myself in a way that's like, Hey, I'm going to volunteer. And so once a week, or if I felt like I'd rather than being picked on because that feels like it sets you back a million miles. And I guess it's kind of similar in this instance where I think you start volunteering that part of yourself in a way that feels authentic without being too dissimilar to how you're actually feeling. That's pretty the best way, if that makes sense.

Gemma Styles [00:35:41] Yeah, it does. And I think I agree. It's kind of it's a tricky one because you don't. I think to me, when you have fake it till you make it, I do think that can be quite useful advice. But to me, the fake it part isn't. Faking being somebody else to everyone else. It's kind of. Just faking it to yourself just enough to get you through it. And I think. You know, if you know that you're nervous about something. I think part of it is just it is a way to build confidence. And kind of the idea of that is the make it part at the end where you then can look back on it and go, Well, I did that and that was great, so I can do it. And therefore, yeah, I was nervous, but I did it. And then that is meant to sort of build your confidence up a bit, not to make you into a different person, but to give you actual, more real confidence in yourself. But I think it is just remembering who it's for. Because if you're faking things to. You know, I know it depends what it is for work and things. But if you're putting yourself in situations because you think you should and you're having to really push yourself and sort of fake a different personality to get through it consistently every time and you're not feeling any more confident and you're not enjoying it at all. Then I think it's. Is that the thing you actually wanted to get to in the first place? Should you keep trying to fake your way into that place? Maybe that's just not where you want to be.

Olivia Purvis [00:37:21] Yeah, so true. So she reminds me, actually, of when I did a bit of public speaking and I felt like I had to fake it till I made it. And actually. It was quite useful in the sense that I kind of had to not pretend to be confident. But I think when you speak confidently, people are more likely to just kind of go with it. Whereas I think if you kind of look very anxious when you're public speaking, and I know this definitely from firsthand and you're doctoring, people are more likely to kind of cling on to things go cause your eyes okay, and you feel like it becomes more stressful in a way. Whereas I think if you can try and build that confidence to a point where you can fake a little bit like you say, you get to the end and you've done it, and then you can say with a bit of a sigh of relief. God, I was so anxious about that and still kind of you can kind.

Gemma Styles [00:38:14] Of be you.

Olivia Purvis [00:38:14] Have it. Yeah. And I think you can still be yourself, like you said so. Well, I think it's about kind of putting those pillars in place to be able to do something, perhaps faking it a little bit, but then coming out the other side like, yeah, exactly what you said. I'm just repeating it because I was like, Yeah, that's what I meant to say.

Gemma Styles [00:38:35] Well, this is great. We're on the same page between us, between us. So we managed to answer that question. Okay, I'm going to move on to my next question is from Hope, who says, I find it very difficult not to try and find the silver lining or put a positive spin on things. How do you encourage yourself to be truly vulnerable and honest?

Olivia Purvis [00:38:55] I love this question because I feel like I am very much like that. I very have a real tendency to try and romanticise things, which I don't always think is a bad thing. I think finding the silver linings in things is a really lovely coping mechanism for a lot of things in life that can be really challenging. But I also do think that accepting that things can be just shit sometimes is really okay and it's alright to feel really sad or be in pain and kind of feel that. But knowing that you have that support around you and you can ask for help also try and look at the positive, I don't think. I don't think the two can't coexist. I think you can, you know, sit in pain. But also I think things hopefully will get easier. And I don't know if he hopes anything like this, whereas as I sometimes find that I can, I look for the silver linings in things, especially when I'm talking about something sad or difficult I'm going through to stop others awkwardness or as a people pleasing thing because I feel like if I tell someone something that I'm going through, that's sad. I get really worried that it's going to fill up a room with like a big cloud of darkness. So then I have to go, Oh, but it's okay, because this is it is and try and kind of offset that. But I think kind of realising that we all go through difficult periods and if you've got the right people around you, people will be open to listening without hearing the silver linings. And actually I don't think it's always bad to have them there either. I mean, I know that having gone through some difficult things in the last year, it's been those silver linings that have kind of kept me going, but also being able to recognise that things are difficult. I think it's also making time for both of those things. Accepting when things are really difficult, but also knowing that things will get better and they won't be like this forever. And I don't think that's. Too much of a romantic take on things I think is and is a positive thing. But it doesn't feel like. Like, I don't know. Too rose tinted, if that makes sense.

Gemma Styles [00:41:05] Okay. Last question I will ask is from Amelia, who says, I have overcome some insecurities about my body and my abilities in life as well. And I'm fine with that. But some close relatives keep pointing them out as if they were a problem for them, even though they are not a problem for me anymore. How can I avoid falling back into those insecurities if people keep reminding me of them or making me doubt myself?

Olivia Purvis [00:41:28] That's a very difficult situation to be in, and I really feel for her because I think it's really hard when you've overcome things that have kind of been troubling you for a long time, but then other people start bringing them up. So I think that's really difficult. But I think acknowledging that is really important and the fact you're kind of saying, okay, these people are breaking up, I'm not happy about that. I think frustratingly a difficult well, maybe not difficult, but an honest conversation is probably something that would be helpful here. Perhaps if you felt comfortable, it would be talking to those family members and saying, look, I've noticed this is coming up a few times. I know it's because I don't know. Maybe you don't need to even this is the people pleaser. Me. I know. It's because you care. I know it's because of this. Maybe you don't need to say that, but it's something that I've really worked on recently, and I really would be more happy if we didn't talk about it again. And just trying to assert your boundary in a really gentle way. Because at the end of the day, if you're happy, they should be happy for you and they should be supportive of your the things that you feel comfortable with. And that's what's most important. And I think. It's very difficult because it shouldn't be up to you to instigate that conversation. I think that's the hard thing. It shouldn't be that they should be able to realise that that is something that's going to upset you and could make you revisit habits or thoughts particularly useful or helpful. But I think if there was a way that you could feel that you could bring it up in a way it doesn't have to be a formal conversation in a way that's like, you know what I'd really rather we didn't speak about That is something I felt quite concerned about, and I'm really trying to like, overcome that at the moment. I think that potentially would be a way of doing that because unfortunately, I think sometimes people, especially family members, don't really see things in the same way sometimes, and you have to kind of be quite black and white and say, I'd rather we didn't talk about that. And it's hard. It's really hard.

Gemma Styles [00:43:43] It is hard. I mean, I have always been a big proponent of, you know, having the conversation, however you're able to have it. So, yes, if you can, you know, sit down with someone and say like, I don't know if you realise, but bringing this up is making me feel a certain way. I prefer it if we didn't. That's great. If you really don't think you can have that conversation, compose yourself a nice text to send them. Write them a nice note. Like send a letter, like do something. However, it is best for you to have that conversation. I always think that is all conversations of our conversations. I, I reckon I know I've it and I'm not. I'm not. Or historically, I haven't always been good at having the big conversations. But, you know, if it has to be a text that's followed up by a real life conversation, sometimes that's just the way it has to go.

Olivia Purvis [00:44:34] Yeah, I know. That's the thing. I feel like I know that my dad's always a real big advocate of like, there should be a phone call. And he's right. A lot of the time things are better spoken. But I think when you when it's a difficult conversation prior to prime it with the text, be have time it with the letter. Don't you have to go with the big guns.

Gemma Styles [00:44:52] Set yourself up, make your life easier.

Olivia Purvis [00:44:54] Yeah. Why make it harder when it could be a bit easier?

Gemma Styles [00:44:58] Exactly. But if you want to know about opportunities to send in questions for upcoming guests, then follow us on Instagram or Twitter at Kate Influence us or you can email the podcast up. Good influence pod gmail.com. Before you go, I've got three things I ask every guest and that's if listeners want to find out more about what we've been talking about today. Could you please recommend something to read, Something to listen to? Something to watch?

Olivia Purvis [00:45:25] Okay, so to read. I've recently been Loving Untamed by Glennon. Doyle is such an amazing book. It's just full of almost micro chapters of the most inspiring anecdotes and passages that whenever I read it, I'll have to fold a page or underline it. And I actually felt quite anxious the other day because I went out without pencils. I couldn't underline some of the amazing things in it. So that's probably my read Well.

Gemma Styles [00:45:57] But that's a good review if you must have an underlining pencil because it's old gems.

Olivia Purvis [00:46:04] You just you can't travel without one. I'm afraid it's too stressful. My listen to this is so hard. I've actually put self esteem the because I feel like whenever I need to feel really empowered or like finger clicking, I always put on Rebecca self esteem. I think she's amazing. Really cool. Also, Maggie Rogers's new album is very like wholesome and it makes you feel really cosy and lovely. And my friend Sarah sent me one of her songs Could I've Got a Friend and it feels like it's just it makes you feel less alone, which is a really nice thing. So I really love that.

Gemma Styles [00:46:43] And that's a lovely one.

Olivia Purvis [00:46:44] It's, it's brilliant. And then my watch, I wish I could have a more informative watch, alas. So like when I feel insecure, sometimes I just need to. Nora Ephron And therefore I have said When Harry Met Sally because I watch the weekend and it was like an actual film blanket being wrapped around me from the moment I first heard Louis Armstrong as those leaves of falling in the first opening titles, I was like, Oh, this is what a good film should feel like. So sometimes you just need that.

Gemma Styles [00:47:19] To know I'm going to make an embarrassing confession to you right now. All of I have never seen When Harry Met Sally.

Olivia Purvis [00:47:27] It's never too late. It's never too late.

Gemma Styles [00:47:29] I think I'm going to have to. I'm going to have to go.

Olivia Purvis [00:47:31] So good. You not only watched it for the first time in lockdown, which I'm quite embarrassed about, but I made my parents watch it at the weekend. And it's just. It's just great. Like the soundtrack's cool. The outfits are amazing. The like, the plot is just really. Nice. That's a really. Wow. I am not Mark Kermode here. It's really nice, but it's just a really wholesome, comforting watch. And I think it just takes you out of it for a bit and it makes you realise that the world is quite a nice place sometimes.

Gemma Styles [00:48:08] Thank you for listening and thank you live for joining me. If you enjoyed the episode, I'd love you to subscribe to the podcast on whichever platform you're using and if you're feeling extra generous, you can leave a rating and a review as well. See you next week.